I recently read a baffling post on an autism support group message board. In this post, a woman had provided a link to a story claiming that abortion cells in vaccines had been proven to cause autism. This article -- and I'm not going to post the link, because I don't want this non-science to do any further damage -- claimed that the EPA (Environment Protection Agency) had released a report stating this.

Before I go any further, let me just state right upfront that I'm not debating abortion here. I, like just about everyone else, have strong opinions about the subject, and I'd be happy to discuss those one-on-one with you any time. But in this forum I'm talking about autism. And occasionally about stupid TV shows I've watched.

So anyway, back to this baffling post. I was immediately suspicious, because this supposed EPA report hadn't been mentioned anywhere else. I know I'm kind of out of the loop, but that very morning, CNN had led with another story about a deer getting trapped in a Dunkin Donuts, so it didn't seem like they were aware of this report either.

I Googled every possible search term related to this, and the only places I found this link mentioned were on anti-abortion websites. You'd think it would have come up on some autism sites as well. But no.

I finally found a link to the EPA report in question, but when I tried to read it, my brain froze and I could imagine my head generating one of those little hourglass icons like my laptop does when it gets overwhelmed. Despite the fact that I am a big nerd and went to Science and Math Camp in the 11th grade, as I approach the age of 40, I find myself definitely NOT Smarter Than a 5th Grader, particularly when it comes to science.

But luckily, I know people who are. I emailed one of my favorite bloggers at Science-Based Parenting, and asked him to interpret for me. He went one step better: He emailed the guy who did the research and wrote the report, and asked him, "Hey, did you say that autism was linked to abortion cells being used in vaccines?" And the guy emailed back a lot of stuff but basically said, "Umm, no. I did not."

There are also no aborted fetal cells in vaccines. According to the Center for Disease Control, "The rubella vaccine virus is cultured in human cell-line cultures, and some of these cell lines originated from aborted fetal tissue, obtained from legal abortions in the 1960's. No new fetal tissue is needed to produce cell lines to make these vaccines, now or in the future. Fetal tissue is not used to produce vaccines; cell lines generated from a single fetal tissue source are used; vaccine manufacturers obtain human cell lines from FDA-certified cell banks. After processing, very little, if any, of that tissue remains in the vaccine."

Essentially, back in the 1960s, fetal cells from two abortions were used to grow vaccines. Whether or not you think that should have happened, rest assured that no further abortions have occurred in service of the vaccine industry. Even the Pope has said that getting vaccinated does not in any way mean that you support abortions.

Some of the sites that are claiming a link between vaccination and those original abortion cells cite the growing number of autism diagnoses that have happened since the 1960s as their proof that that's the cause.

Well, based on that logic, I could say that there's been a spike in autism diagnoses since the premier of the Law and Order, and I'm holding series creator Dick Wolf personally responsible and leading a boycott against procedural cop shows in general, just to be sure that CSI isn't part of the problem as well.

That's a ridiculous analogy, I know. But at least if that were my crazy theory, the worst that would happen is that there would be a slight dip in the Neilsen ratings amongst those dumb enough to buy this nutty rant.

But there are much greater dangers in following a half-baked scientific theory that leads you to not vaccinate your children. Not only to expose your child and others to potentially life-threatening diseases but as has been discussed here before, following this non-existent vaccination link any further wastes time, money and energy that much much much smarter brains than myself can be putting towards real research with the potential to reveal the real root cause of autism.

Cause and effect is an exhausting search for the parents of autistic children. We are always watching, searching for signs that anything -- a particular food, a drug, a color, an environmental factor, a sound, a vitamin or a new therapy -- will have any effect, good or bad, on our child's development. We rely on experts to tell us the truth, because we don't have the time or the energy to become experts on everything ourselves, and there are so many supposed experts lying to us for their own financial or political gain. There are also a lot of good people working tirelessly on real science and not grabbing headlines like certain celebrities that will not be mentioned again here.

Like I said, this is not a debate about abortion. If that's your fight, no matter which side of the debate you're on, leave autism out of it. Don't let pseudoscientists hijack your moral argument. It will backfire. Because when the facts come out, people will doubt your judgment if you've been, however innocently, lying to them.

Now because I feel like I've been on a soap box too long, and standing up here kinda makes me dizzy, I'm gonna tell you a Billy story that has absolutely nothing to do with any of this.

Billy has discovered the joy of blowing on Willow's tummy and making her laugh. It totally cracks him up. He's still laughing long after Willow has stopped. So the other day after blowing on Willow's tum for about half an hour, he finally said, "Blow on Mama's tummy!"

I was lying on the couch at the time and lifted up my shirt to expose my abdomen. He blew on my stomach for about 5 seconds, then stood up, pulled my shirt back down and shook his head. "This tummy," he announced, "is too big."

Out of the mouths of babes. Off exercise now in the hopes of shrinking my "too big" tummy into shape to meet my 3-year-old's tummy-blowing requirements.