There are so many times during my day when I wish I knew what was going through Billy's head. This was one of them:
So ... caption?
Billy's got a black eye again this week. It's not his first, and most certainly not his last.
It's never a normal accident that causes these publicly obvious injuries. Clearly, people are going to ask how my four-year-old got his black eye. I'd like to be able to say something run-of-the-mill like “He fell off his bike.” But no; I have to say this: “He was balancing on two bowling pins while holding a pumpkin and then he fell off and hit his face on his wooden advent calendar.”
There was a time when I tried to lie. Instead of telling people that he was wearing one of my high heels and got his foot stuck in the staircase railing, I would say, “He slipped on the stairs.”
But after a while, the frequency of times he “slipped on the stairs” or “ran into a door” started to make me sound like a battered wife – or more like one of those characters on Lifetime movies who have the crazy Munchausen disease and like to feed their kids salt. Too many normal accidents just don't sound realistic.
I know I've written about my bafflement at Munchausen by proxy before, but it bears repeating. Supposedly (and I'll accept it happens, even if I don't understand it), these women injure their children so that they can go to the hospital and get sympathy.
March 2009 - And in case you're wondering how his hair got injured, I used to have to cut in myself.
A few problems with this:
1. If they want sympathy, why don't they injure themselves? Whenever my kids are hurt, I always feel like the hospital, teachers, passersby on the street are judging me, rather than sympathizing. Probably because I'm judging myself. And probably because they don't understand how a kid managed to get up on top of two bowling pins with a pumpkin without anyone noticing but PEOPLE, I have to go to the bathroom SOMETIMES!
2. Secondly, no one at the hospital has ever given me any sympathy – even when I was the one injured. Billy needed five stitches over his eye in the emergency room when I was nine months pregnant on the very day I was DUE with Willow and everyone acted like his autism and my pregnancy were a huge inconvenience. They actually told me, “You'll have to leave. We're not prepared to deal with it if you go into labor.” Wait a minute: You're not prepared to deal with it? This is a HOSPITAL. Actually, this is the hospital in which I'm scheduled to give birth.
3. Sick, injured children are not fun. They cry, complain, have to stay home from school. And one thing they do not do: Sleep. I would rather sleep than get sympathy.
Anyway, I didn't want people reporting me to child services, so I finally just started telling the truth. The whole truth:
“He was wearing one of my nightgowns over his head – he calls this game 'The Black Beast,' for some reason – and he ran into the fridge head-first.”
“He was wearing a laundry basket over his head while riding his scooter and hit the pile of pumpkins we keep in the living room floor.”
"He was trying to erase the chalkboard with his butt and fell off the table."
“Pumpkins won't flush. That's all I'm gonna say.” (We have a lot of injuries involving pumpkins this time of year.)
For some reason, everyone seems content with the fact that I just couldn't make this crap up.
Reader Comments
He's ALL Boy isn't he?
Mine were relatively sedate but the oldest one organized the entire playground into Dodge City (he was Matt Dillon) and the youngest was found engaged in a peeing contest out of a tree in the backyard! I also caught him and his best friend hauling a ladder into our back yard so they could lean it against the trampoline and jump from the top! He kept his angels working overtime!
I went looking for this article I remembered reading about boys and found this ... enjoy!
One of my favorite little books is titled Up to No Good, The Rascally Things Boys Do: edited by Kitty Harmon. It is a compilation of stories told "by perfectly decent grown men," recalling their childhood years. Here are several examples that made me smile:
"In seventh grade, the biology teacher had us dissect fetal pigs. My friends and I pocketed the snout of the pig and stuck it on the water fountain so that the water shot straight up out of the pig's nostrils. No one really noticed it until they were bent over just about to drink. The problem is that we wanted to stick around and see the results, but then we started laughing so hard that we got caught. We all got the paddle for that."
-- Mark, Ohio, b. 1960.
"A friend and I found a coffee can of gasoline in the garage and decided to pour some down a manhole, light it, and see what would happen. We popped the manhole open, poured some gas in, and replaced the cover so that it was ajar. We kept throwing matches down but nothing happened, so we poured all the gas in. Finally, there was a noise like a jet engine starting up, and then a big BOOM! The manhole cover flew up and a flame shot up about fifteen feet in the air. The ground was rumbling like an earthquake, and the manhole cover crashed about twelve feet away in the neighbor's driveway. What happened was the gas ran down the sewer lines for a block or so and vaporized with all the methane in there, and blew up all our neighbor's toilets. I'm a plumber now; that's how I know exactly what happened."
-- Dave, Washington, b. 1952.
"I am blind, and as a kid sometimes I played with other blind kids. And we always found just as many, or more, ways to get into trouble as sighted boys. Like the time I was over at a blind friend's house, and he took me into the garage to show me his older brother's motorcycle. We decided to take it out for a spin. Why not?
We rode down the street feeling for the curb, and at each intersection we'd stop, turn off the engine and listen, and then cross. We rode all the way to the high school track, where we could really let loose. First we piled up some dirt at the turns of the track so we'd feel the bump and know we were still on the track. Then we took off, going faster and faster and having a blast. What we didn't know was that people showed up to run on the track and were trying to wave us off. We couldn't hear them over the roar of the motorcycle engine, and nearly ran them over. They called the police, who showed up and tried to wave us over too, but we kept going. Finally they got their sirens and bullhorns going and we stopped. They were furious and wouldn't believe us when we explained that we hadn't seen them. We proved we were blind by showing them our braille watches, and they escorted us home."
-- Mike, California, b. 1953
from http://www2.focusonthefamily.com/docstudy/bookshelf/a000000388.cfm
The Eraser
Poor Billy! Even though that's one heck of a shiner, you have to admit it makes him look like a tough guy, especially with those Spider Man jammies!
This post made me think of the first time Henry really got hurt. He was standing up in the laundry basket, laughing like crazy, when he lost his balance and fell backward againts the hard, plaster corner of the wall. He got a goose-egg the size of a fist, and the worst part is that I was sitting just inches away from him, too shocked to brace his fall. Big mom fail.
Little boys, I swear. When they're not being absolutely wonderful, they're giving their mothers heart attacks.
Erasing the chalkboard with his butt...ha! That's my personal favorite. Our stories aren't nearly that interesting. Audrey has ended up in the ER twice during the Halloween season, but somehow neither time involved a pumpkin.
Oh sweet boy
Oh sweet boy :) This is such a great post A. Thank you, you CAN'T make this stuff up I know; some of the things my kids have done just make me crinkle my brow, stare gaping at them, with a great big "REALy?!"
SO freakin true!
This is HILARIOUS! Isn't it soooooo true? My son split his chin 4 times- and I'm always freaked out that people are going to think I'm beating him! But yeah- you just CAN'T make the stuff up. I like the white board one! How does he handle it? Funny thing is a lot of times, K can eat it HARD (he does at least once daily anyway...) and not make a peep! Othertimes, it's the end of the world. We have a lot of balance problems over here/combined with curiosity! ;) Bad combo.
Oh No!
The poor guy! You should stop making these outlandish stories up!
Hehe!
I hope he feels better soon.
I've always thought...
....funny you should bring up Munchausen Byproxy. I've often said "Why don't these women (usually women...I never hear about men w/ munchausen's) just adopt a child with significant special needs??? I mean....if you WANT all the attention and appointments, there are plenty of kiddos with LOTS of special needs just waiting to be adopted. Really!
I hope your little man heals quickly.
The worst is when as a parent, YOU accidentally injure your child. The J-man was having some serious issues with getting into his carseat, and fighting us like crazy. I ended up holding his legs down while Tim buckled him in. The next day, he had fingerprint bruises on his legs. Oy.
When I was very early on pregnant with Dale Jr, I ended up in the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. My doctor told me to go to this particular one... so I went. I ended up being transported via ambulance to another hospital because the original hospital no longer had an L&D (how is that possible?!). I couldn't get them to agree that at 8 weeks, I wouldn't NEED an L&D unit if something happened.
Hoping the Blue Eye gets better soon. Ouch!
Total 12 comments
Welcome to my first Vlog! A big thank you to Laurie Wallin, mom of four, including two with special needs, for inspiring me with her wonderful Vlog entry about living with our fear and being OK with it. I highly recommend Laurie's website and her honest, inspiring videos. Looking forward to feedback ...
Reader Comments
How did I miss this?
This is GREEEEEEAAAAAT (did you get the Tony the Tiger reference with that?) No, really. Isn't it amazing the fears you develop as an adult. I feel the same way. I can't even go on a swing without getting a pit in my stomach or do a cartwheel. Why does that happen?? Good for you girl. NOW you are ready for Oprah! :)
Hi Amanda :)
I came over from SITS and I love your first vlog - congratulations! (love your playroom too)
I love that you felt your fear and got behind the camera to share yourself with your readers. You were so raw and honest and I admire that deeply.
I think I personally have become much more fearful since having a child - I hardly recognise myself any more. it's sad, but maybe I'm growing up ;)
Isn't it great how our kids continue to be an inspiration though; when my DD is being bullied it's me that ends up fearful and in tears, she simply tells me that her angels are with her, always willing to play :)
We have to wait a WEEK for the next one?
:) Beautifully done!
You're gorgeous! How fun to see you and hear you talk! Congratulations on walking into that room full of snakes..
Video killed the blogosphere star
You guys are so great. I really really love all the love. I didn't plan to get all bawly when I started, and I actually started to re-record the video and then I thought, "Nope. This is actually exactly what I was afraid of, so I might as well get it out there." There are plenty of days when my tear ducts are by far the most active part of my body (I'm an easy crier), but no use pretending to be anybody else. Actually, if you can't pretend to be somebody else on the Internet, when can you? Ah well, it's out there now :-)
Woohoo!
Great job! I have done a few Vlogs (and I do pronounce it like blog with a v, so who knows what it really should be!). But lately I just do not do my hair or makeup and do not want to scare people.
Great to meet you!
Hey Amanda - wow, well done! What a great vlog, and I also had no idea how to pronounce it. Now I'll think of you when I read it! I admire your courage, and feel so inspired by your spirit!
Sunshine xx
Fearless, not Crazy
Well done! I didn't know you're from Chipley! I moved from Sarasota to Tallahassee and now I'm in Chipley! Sweet people, slow living!
I can't get in the slow lane yet- not sure I ever will. By the way, if you want to print out a pdf of the Life Manifesto I posted the other day, I put the link at beverlylewis.wordpress.com.
I linked this comment to my "just for fun" blog since we just did the Econfina - thought you might like a ride on the creek. : )
Total 14 comments
Is YOUR pumpkin patch sincere enough for the Great Pumpkin?
Well, let's start with the fact that Santa has never, to my knowledge, appeared in a Charlie Brown holiday special. Also, Santa is not a pumpkin – and everyone knows that pumpkins are just about the greatest thing on the planet. And all that emphasis on “naughty” and “nice” pretty much takes the fun out of everything.
The reason I prefer the Great Pumpkin: No pressure. Unlike Christmas, Halloween comes with very little pre-determined, expected ritual celebration, and if you do nothing but stay home all night and hand out candy to other kids, it's still considered a success. Likewise, we have never been disappointed on Flag Day, President's Day or Columbus Day. And nobody celebrates Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day (January 31) as well as the Broadfeet.
Last year on Halloween, Billy watched “The Great Pumpkin” while wearing his astronaut Halloween costume, cried in the floor for a little while and then went to bed before the first trick-or-treater arrived. Willow stayed up and wowed all the little goblins who came to our door with her adorable FSU cheerleader outfit.
On the whole, though, holidays are a mixed bag in our house. I'm a celebrator, as I've pointed out here before. I have a pathological need to create the ULTIMATE holiday experience for my kids at every single opportunity. And it has taken me four years to get it through my head that my son just doesn't enjoy all the same things other kids do.
Let me be clear: He is a very happy kid. He enjoys a LOT of things. In fact, he enjoys the heck out of some things to which normally developing children probably wouldn't give a passing thought. Acorns, for instance. He has always loved them, been fascinated by them, and this time of year, they are everywhere. And have I mentioned how much he loves pumpkins?
He does not, though, enjoy endless Christmas present-opening, particularly when accompanied by the obligatory photo opp of Billy holding each aforementioned gift. He would just as soon spend all day playing with the same toys he's played with all year. In fact, he would just as soon spend the day playing with acorns and pumpkins.
My neurotypical child's Halloween face.
He loves Christmas carols. He does not like performing on command. So last year at the school Christmas concert, he happily sat there on the stage, among the other kids in his class, listening to their renditions of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” and “Rudolph” with a big smile on his face – without uttering a sound. Then he regaled us all with his own concert in the car all the way home.
Another check in the Halloween column: Very few concerts. Kids just get to sing songs about ghosts and pumpkins at school or whenever they feel like it.
Billy loves decorations of all kinds. He doesn't not like staring at expensive Christmas ornaments on a tree for a month without being allowed to touch them. He much prefers Halloween decorations: I keep spooky window gels on the dining room windows at a low enough height that he and Willow can peel them off and re-stick them over and over. I find them on the toilet, TV, fridge, on my coffee cup – wherever they can get them to stick.
"Mom! You're ruining The Great Pumpkin!!!"
And we have pumpkins. Everywhere. Billy uses them as bowling balls in his bowling game. I know that eventually there's going to be some enormous mess to clean up, but in the meantime, he and his sister are having a whale of a time for weeks, and the total cost has been about 5 bucks.
If I focus on the activities he actually enjoys, I can create a positive experience on any day of the year. If I try to push him into situations that I know are difficult for him – well, then, everyone is just going to have to accept that he's not too happy.
We've never managed to make it trick-or-treating, but we're going to give it another shot this year. But if that doesn't work out, no worries. We'll get our groove on come November 12: We totally rock Domino Day.
Reader Comments
Life With Our 9
Awesome post! I, too, have a wonderful son with Autism. He has crazy fascinations with things too, Our sons have a lot in common I htink. I have a page on my blog that describes how he affects us as a family. I also have a daughter with severe ADHD and possibly Aspergers. Come visit me at http://lifewithour9.blogspot.com
As usual, there are so many things that I recognize. The sticker decals all over the house, not wanting to do anything on cue (opening presents, posing for pics, singing a song). You're right that there's alot less pressure around the smaller holidays. Just enjoyed a kick-ass Columbus Day!
I Like Pumpkins, Too!
Hi Amanda:
I'm with Billy on this one...I'm not big on Halloween, but I do like pumpkins! I've got photos of my granddaughter with a giant pumpkin on my post today...
Wendy
Welcome Great Pumpkin!
@Wendy: Right on. By the way, everyone, I totally recommend Wendy's site, thelocalcook.com, if you want to be truly inspired about what you can do when you decide to eat locally.
@BigDaddy: Yes, we have a fantastic track record with Arbor Day as well. Ditto Administrative Professionals Day and Grandparents Day.
@Chris P-M: Last year, when the concept of Easter Egg hunting was explained and demonstrated to Billy, he went around dutifully picking them up and singing the "Clean up, Clean up" song. Not his favorite holiday experience :-)
@Melody: Yes, YouTube is a godsend in our house! Whenever we're trying to prepare for / introduce a new experience, we try to find videos on YouTube and inevitably there's something: haircuts, bike riding, gymnastics, playing piano. You name it, and you can find it on YouTube. Sometimes, that's not so good. There's also some Thomas the Train-related porno that we've accidentally stumbled upon. Be careful with those "related" videos!
@Cheryl: Ah, gotta love autumn. Billy's getting a fix for his acorn jones every day now :-)
@Jill: LOVE your pumpkin "dinner theater!" We haven't named our pumpkins yet, but I think that's a GREAT idea.
@Ginny: Bubble wrap is one of life's great joys, as far as Billy is concerned! And it's also a great way, our OT tells us, to build hand strength for handling snaps related to dressing oneself.
@Craig: Happy to help out with your great site. Expect an email from me privately within 24 hours.
@Rebecca: WHY didn't I think to dress Billy as Charlie Brown this Halloween??? I already have the astronaut/alien combo for him and his sister now, but he would have loved the CB idea. Plus, it's comfortable and cool. (It's still like 90 degrees around here.) Next year! Looking forward to hearing how your trick or treat goes ... and maybe seeing some pictures?
Charlie Brown obsession
This post really caught my attention because my 2 1/2 year old who has ASD is in love with the Charlie Brown Halloween special and has been watching it since last Halloween on and off. Anyway, when I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween, he quickly answered, "Charlie Brown!" His yellow shirt with zigzag design arrived a few days ago in the mail, he tried it on and couldn't stop checking himself out in the mirror. He has worn it for pajamas several times and is just thrilled being Charlie Brown. His nearly 4-year-old sister has decided to forego the fairy costume this year and be Lucy instead...not an easy costume to find...but we did. :) We'll probably make it to about four houses for trick-or-treating, but all the effort will be worth the cute photos. :)
Wow! I really enjoyed your blog and the content. I'm a new follower who just happened to come across your site while searching twitter for, #blogs and #specialneeds.
I wonder if you would consider being a guest blogger on our site from time-to-time? It would be a tremendous honor and really help us in providing top-notch content. Please let me know if that is something you might consider. If not, I thank you for you consideration and this wonderful post.
Many Blessings,
Craig
You had me laughing with
Bubblewrap day! It must be a fun day at the Broadfeet house! (I'm still giggling!)
I loved your little video, too. We haven't bought any pumpkins yet this year, so today's the day! Yay for Halloween!
Our kids should be friends... lol
Halloween is my fav fav fav! And Kekito LOVES the costumes- a little TOO much! =) I've never been a big christmas fan- I totally agree about the ornaments, expectations of people, etc... Glad to hear I'm not alone! kekito gets the "Woah, Woah, Woah's" when there's too much going on. Right now pumpkins are an obession at our house! We have decorational ones that WERE supposed to be all over. But now they live on our dining table arranged perfectly around his placemat as though the pumpkins are at dinner theater and K is the main event! lol He and my husband even named the ones with faces- Chewy, Dewey, Screwy, and ...Tony. lol
Total 13 comments
Last week, I posted a photo of a scene I found in my 18-month-old's play kitchen. And while I didn't think she could still surprise me, today I found the scene below. Clearly, she has been rummaging around in the bathroom vanity drawers. And clearly I need to pay better attention.
I'm not sure whether this shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the concept of cooking or of jack-o-lanterns ... or cosmetics. So give me your best shot: Caption, anyone?
That face! That face! That CoverGirl face!T
Reader Comments
Love it
It totally looks like something I would find at my house. My three year old (the princess) loves to get into random stuff and paint with it. Bourdeaux butt paste is a very nice medium to paint your brothers bedroom with
Cooking with Willow
@Cheryl: I think so ... She absolutely friggin' LOVES brushing teeth -- her teeth, my teeth, doll teeth. Just goes to show, even "normal" kids can like some weird stuff.
@Jessica: Thanks SO much for stopping by! So glad we connected :-)
@JD: You absolutely win the caption contest. HILARIOUS.
@K Floortime Lite Mama: So glad you stopped by. I love your blog and I encourage anyone with a child on the spectrum to stop by there for an uplift and inspiration.
OMG how adorable is that
I love the title of your blog very much
Thank you for your lovely comment
Our Interior Designer, Willow
Now, free with purchase of a pumpkin, free tube of Estee Lauder lipstick in our latest fall color AND a free tube of Nivea Bronzing Cream! (toothbrush sold separately).
Hilarious
How funny, looks just like something I would find in my house. Don't you just wonder what is going on in their little heads? Glad I found your blog through the SITS group and looking forward to getting to know you better!
Too Funny!
That is too funny! Was she trying to brush the Jack O'Lantern's teeth?
Total 6 comments
So many awesome captions
Thursday October 14 2010 01:30:33 pm
Amanda Broadfoot
The captions just get better and better ... thank you guys so much! Every time I check in here, I get another laugh :-)
Stay tuned till next week when Wordless Wednesday brings you several old photos of myself, sister and brother in childhood Halloween costumes ...
Caption...
Thursday October 14 2010 08:41:18 am
writerwoman61
"Nobody's touching my I-pad!"
My Caption
Thursday October 14 2010 02:45:21 am
Cheryl D.
Damn iPad is too slow. Who invents this crap?
Wednesday October 13 2010 10:53:17 pm
Nan
"I won't eat 'til my game is finished !"
Wednesday October 13 2010 08:34:34 pm
LS
Watch out creepy Sleeping Beauty doll...watch out.
World of Warcraft
Wednesday October 13 2010 03:51:44 pm
Mamacita
I take World of Warcraft very seriously.
I don't know about a caption
Wednesday October 13 2010 12:40:18 pm
Beth
... but I'd be seriously concerned for whatever electronic device is about to get decapitated! :)
Error #48692892
Wednesday October 13 2010 12:34:34 pm
Papa Bear
Error Message? ERROR Message? I'll show YOU an Error Message!
Total 9 comments