It's Sunday, and the Broadfeet are going to church.
For a long time, I didn't go. It wasn't for any particularly big or important reason. I was lazy and given the opportunity, I preferred not to get out of bed on Sunday morning.
After I had a child, I wanted to find a church. At that time, if I'm honest, my interest was probably as much social as anything else. I wanted Billy to have the kind of fun, joyful church experience I had growing up. My church group performed music and plays, went on trips together, went bowling and roller skating. It was great.
I've written before about the difficulty in finding a church that would embrace my special needs child and his challenges. I'm not going to write more about that today. I'll just say that I feel it's nothing short of miraculous that we eventually found Good Samaritan.
Over the last couple of years, from Billy's autism diagnosis until now, I've been on a kind of spiritual journey. Of course, that makes my thought process sound a lot more coherent than it usually is.
Take prayer, for instance. I've always prayed. I always found comfort in it without really thinking about it. But it's been really hard over the last couple of years to know what to pray. Do I ask God to take the autism out of Billy? If I think He's capable of that, why not ask Him why He hasn't already done it? Why not ask Him why one kid is neurotypical and another completely unable to speak? A lot of my prayers end with, "You can read my mind - could you just pick out the good stuff and ignore the rest?"
Then I feel so guilty. I remind myself how lucky I am. I've known dear friends who have lost children, and they would love to have the problems I have. And yet, many of them seem to have unwavering faith.
Despite my inner conflicts, though – or maybe because of them – I still find comfort in my prayers. Even when they're little more than, “I don't know what to say ...”
Billy's love of church is pure and unconflicted. He likes the candles and the playground and the lovely women who look after him. He belts out Sunday School songs at every opportunity, and he prays easily. He does not like wearing suits or lots of talking. Last week, we had an African-themed service, led by several Nigerian members of our congregation. Billy got to play a drum during the music and dance to the offering plate. If he has an idea of heaven, I imagine that's pretty close to it.
I haven't had the best track record of teaching him about religion. It's hard to know what kinds of concepts he can handle. He loves the Nativity story – there are animals and a baby and kings and stars -- all things he's really big on. Easter, though, was a story we decided to save for later.
He loves the Old Testament: Jonah is the MAN as far as Billy is concerned. Ditto to Noah and David during his giant-fighting days. The New Testament is kind of thin on giant-fighting but he does get a kick out of the song about Zacchaeus, the tiny tax collector who climbed up a sycamore tree.
The only time I've ever attempted to talk to him about the afterlife was when our cat, Biggie, died. Dave had just called me from the vet's office to tell me that Biggie couldn't be saved from her kitty virus. I was crying.
Billy: Mama is crying.
Me: Yes. I'm sad, because Biggie ... is in Heaven. (At this point I realize I'm already in over my head.)
Billy: (looking around) Where is Biggie?
Me: (deep breath) She has gone to Heaven to ... to be Jesus' cat. (I have no idea where that came from.)
Billy: (face like thunder) NOT Jesus's cat! BILLY'S cat!
And he ran screaming from the room. I realized that I had inadvertently given him the impression that either Jesus had stolen his cat or Biggie had shown a complete lack of loyalty and dumped him for a celebrity. Either way, not good.
But his heart is tender, and on some level, he must have forgiven both of them. Because he prays, easily.
Every night, Billy tells God the same thing. It's a simple prayer I said to him once and he has, in true Billy style, remembered it and repeated verbatim ever since. It's a prayer free of doubt or soul-searching or conflict.
“Dear God,” he says, “Thank you for my whole family. Please keep them safe. I love you. Amen.” Then every time he looks up with me with bright eyes and demands, “Can YOU say 'Amen?'”
Amen.
There's a prayer for that.
Friday November 19 2010 12:17:11 am
Papa Bear
I just posted on this topic and linked this post and Church with the special needs child:
http://findmyaddress.blogspot.com/2010/11/church-with-special-needs-child.html
And when I read, "You can read my mind - could you just pick out the good stuff and ignore the rest?" I thought, "There's a prayer for that."
Sure enough, in the Book of Common Prayer, after the Prayers of the People, the Celebrant selects a concluding collect. One of the choices reads, "Almighty God, to whom our needs are known before we ask: Help us to ask only what accords with your will; and those good things which we dare not, or in our blindness cannot ask, grant us for the sake of your Son Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."
Wednesday November 17 2010 06:49:55 pm
Tonya
This is a wonderful post and something that many churches should think about when having nurseries and children's church. If we want everyone to come and feel welcome, we have to provide for the needs of the entire family.
The journey goes on
Wednesday November 17 2010 12:16:52 pm
Alecta
I can't say what it's like trying to find a church for a special needs kid, but I can say that as a person on the spectrum it can be rough not only finding a place but an identity. I've been on a spiritual search since my early teens and grow a little more every day. I identify as an Atheist for simplicity's sake, spirituality is a spectrum in and of itself, with infinite shades. I'm planning on trying a Unitarian Universalist congregation in this coming week.
Good luck to you on your journey!
Tuesday November 16 2010 07:37:05 am
Emma Jayne
Oh Amanda! What a touching post. We stopped going to church when my son was two because we were told there was no place for him to go....unless, of course, I wanted to run the special needs class by myself. For a 2000 member church. Uhhh, thanks but no.
At 16, my son has a deeper spiritual understanding than anyone I've ever known. So what he doesn't know the Bible from front to back! Apparently, he is getting "it" directly from the Source. :)
Thank you!
Angels need pets, too
Monday November 15 2010 03:54:46 pm
Rebecca C.
We found ourselves in a similar situation when my parents had to put their cat to sleep. I told the kids that an angel really wanted a cat, and that Gran and Papa kindly shared Zeo with her. That seemed to make them happy, but it wasn't a pet of their very own. Tough parenting moments! I also love to listen to Mikey (my two-year-old) pray and question me about God. He asked me the other day if God had hair. I think he was wondering about the crucifix we had just packed up for our move and whether Jesus had hair, but his curiosity was a good thing, I think. Anyway, great post! :)
Thank you
Monday November 15 2010 09:25:12 am
Maura
Well, you succeeded in making me cry. This is such a lovely and true post Amanda. Thank you for writing it.
My family has also struggled with finding a church. I have a very personal relationship with God, and pray daily. But I want to raise my kids in a church where everyone is accepted, without exclusions or judgements. That's a hard church to find. I'm glad you found yours.
Billy's relationship with religion is nothing short of beautiful. Hugs to your little one.
a prayer I can relate to
Sunday November 14 2010 07:38:39 pm
Jen
That is a prayer I can relate to. Amen! I was raised Jewish, though not particularly religious. After losing my brother to cancer and having a son with autism, as well as a number of other things, I have lost what little faith I ever had. But I still identify as Jewish and enjoy the ritual of religion: the songs, the holidays, the traditions.
The image of Jesus stealing your cat cracked me up. I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time, but now...
Frivolous Mom
Sunday November 14 2010 01:25:34 pm
Heather
Our spiritual journeys, I believe are continual and always changing and evolving. The important thing, for me is to remember that it is only through the trials am I able to recognize and appreciate the blessings in my life.
I love this post!
Total 10 comments